*by bridesmaid I mean supportive friend
One of the problems with not showing my struggles is that after a while, everyone thinks I’m fine. There are a handful of friends and family who know I’m not.
I put on a happy face, and I tell people everything is okay because I don’t like being a burden. I don’t like being the friend that complains about her life for days on end when her friends stopped caring months ago.
I’m at the age where everyone is getting engaged, married, and having babies. Everyone.
And yes, of course I am happy for them. But how can I not think about how I was supposed to be in my first month of marriage and somehow, I’m not. While everyone else is progressing in their lives, I’m stagnant. In fact, I’ve technically moved backwards.
The endless group chats and showers I have to attend break my heart a little more every day.
One month after the start of my new, unchosen life a friend told me she was engaged and also that I would be in the wedding party. No question. No asking if I’m at a point where I can do that.
I just charge ahead and let everyone think I’m completely okay. And it’s exhausting. I’ve pulled back. I’m not responding to messages immediately. I’m letting people see that I can’t just turn off my pain and plan the best day of their lives while I’m still grieving what was supposed to be mine.
Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I’m angry.
I question how this could happen to me almost every day of my life. I know I’ll get over it eventually. I know I’m being unfair. But the emotions come to me, and I can’t stop them. I can’t push them down anymore.
Thus, I write and I post (mostly) anonymously… in hopes that I can relieve myself of the anxiety here and put on that big smile at the next event I need to attend.
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