And we are back to Monday. The depression was hitting hard today. I almost didn’t make it out of bed. There are days when all I want to do is sleep… days when I don’t see the point in getting up.
I used to be really passionate about my life. I loved my life. I loved my job. Now, the passion is gone. I wake up and immediately start questioning if this is the life I want anymore. I question if things would be different if I hadn’t experienced yet another trauma in my life.
Now, I long for days where I can read and write for hours at a time. I miss getting lost in a book or furiously typing on my keyboard creating a new world. Of course, I still do those things to some extent. You know. I’ve been posting about adding chapters to my novella and reading good books. But when I come back to the real world, the sadness hits again. I remember where my life is at and where it was supposed to be. I am always wondering if I would be happier living somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
As you can see from my picture today, I did manage to get actual work done. I’m sad because my passion for science is dwindling. I don’t know if its just this phase of school I am in. I don’t know if I can stick it out. I don’t know if I can make it out of this rut without damaging my mental health anymore.
I’m terrified. I have a lot of pride. I don’t want to be a quitter. I don’t want to be failure. But at what cost? For now, I will keep doing what I’m doing and hoping happiness returns to me.
Until next time…