I feel like a fool. I was that typical engaged girl. Showing off my ring. Documenting every wedding planning step. Pretending to be shy whenever anyone asked me about my engagement, but really I wanted to never stop talking about it.
I’m sure I annoyed everyone who followed me on social media. Don’t lie. We’ve all been there. Scrolling on our phones and thinking, Ugh did they really just post another wedding photo?
I feel like a fool for playing into all of it. For doing the same thing. And then for having no wedding, no husband, no new life to show for it. It wasn’t like an engagement got called off with no wedding planned.
The wedding was planned. It was all good to go. Guests were arranging travel plans. We had a wedding shower and received lovely gifts. Gifts that we then offered to pay back because why get a wedding gift is there is no wedding?
The only thing worse than what happened would be if he actually left me at the altar.
I feel like I’ve been tricked and led on. I’m tired of being the gracious one. I’m tired of being the supportive one with the unconditional love. I was affected too. Sure, he has demons that influenced his actions. That doesn’t mean he’s the only one hurt. It doesn’t mean he was being selfless or the bigger person.
I’m tired of responsible parties being victimized and made out to be helpless. I’m tired of people either forcing me to be happy with what’s happened or treating me like fragile glass.
Yea, I’m sad. Yea, I’m furious. Yea, I’m even happy sometimes. But mostly, I am embarrassed. I don’t know why. I did nothing wrong. Maybe that is why.