Backtracking.

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I thought I was leaving the rut. I thought everything was going to be left behind. I was moving forward. Silly me.

Official Note from XXX City.

That’s what the envelope said. I was stupid enough to think it was a parking ticket I was unaware of. Of course it wasn’t. It was a reminder of everything I’ve endured for the last 4-5 months.

I skimmed the letter a few times. I couldn’t read the entire thing. It was too painful. What was the gist?

The marriage license taken out had expired. The city wants to know why it was never filed. There is an option with a little box I can check:

I never got married.

I had forgotten about that stupid license. I wasn’t even the one who took it out. He did. I assumed he would have received this notice. Not me. Maybe he did. Maybe the city needs both parties to give their reasons. I wouldn’t know.

All I know is, I am still bitter. I am still angry. I still feel wronged. I still feel blindsided. And I’m not sure that will ever go away.

Believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying everything. And me trying makes me feel like a failure of a woman I want to be. Strong. Independent. Unstoppable.

And yet, I make excuses and show endless compassion for the one who crushed me.

I will never forget what was done to me. I will never forget the reactions of those around me. I will never forget the judgement and ignorance.

I will not forget who I am again. I will not forget what I deserve.

It isn’t this.